EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT
A Bondi man revealed himself today The lawyer an unexpected side effect of living as a modern city dweller in 2022.
Ian Howieson  told us that dr. Google believes he developed vitamin D deficiency after spending a record number of hours indoors.
With bad weather in La Nina and lockdowns ruining his hot boys summer, Howieson says he was finally diagnosed with the disease after dropping the wagon and taking his groceries indoors with VOLY.
The behavior, which began during a self-imposed lockdown over Christmas and New Year, saw him order groceries online, ticking the final reason he had to leave his Bondi residence.
After discovering how easy it was to have alcohol and groceries delivered to his home, Ian soon found himself bunkering under the harsh artificial lights, adapting almost reptilian to his new surroundings.
“New VOLY store in Bondi and I’m done,” the pale man laughed from his couch today.
“I have no idea when I’ll be leaving the house again,” he said.
“Aside from going to the pub, of course, but that doesn’t do anything for the vitamin D state I believe I’ve developed.”
“However, a bit of sun during the Hottest 100 party I had in the backyard helped,” he laughed.
Torn between turning into a lizard or getting back to his shitty chores, Ian figured that grazing by an open window like a cat enjoying the afternoon sun was a good middle ground.
“I hate going to the shops. Full of people rushing around, bumping into you, arguing with servants, fighting over toilet paper and pasta.”
“Why do I need that in my life when I can order fresh shit home quickly?”
“You also have your Betoota Bitter in the VOLY store,” he explained.
“This is life,” he said, enjoying a sip of his crisp Channel Country brew.
“The next sunny day I’ll go for a walk”
There’s more to come.